What Dies Inside Us
by Stormrose Dewleaf
Summary: It was cold. Probably because he was dead. He wanted to tell the cleanup crew to leave him be, but they wouldn't listen to a dead man even if they could hear him. Karasu reflects on the events that ultimately led him to corruption, to the Dark Tournament, and to his death.


"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." -Norman Cousins

* * *

 _"Why are you leaving again? You only just returned!"_

 _"Don't pout, little brother." Karasu ran his hand over the boy's soft black hair. "Don't you like the stories and the presents I bring back, Fao?"_

 _"I like you better," said the child with a sniffle, and clung to Karasu's leg._

 _"I do, I like them!" crowed the other child as he ran up and grabbed Karasu's hand. "Will you bring me another fish, Su-su? I only have the one and he looks out of place next to the others," he asked, referring to the little wooden animal figurines Karasu often brought him._

 _"Of course, Roxel," said Karasu before turning his attention back to the youngest. "What do you want me to bring you?"_

 _"I want you to come home safely," said Fao, blue eyes looking up at him accusingly._

 _The sheen of tears that his youngest brother fought to hold back was almost enough to counter Karasu's wanderlust, and he bent down to kiss the boy's forehead. "I always do, don't I? I'll be back before the solstice," he promised, then rose to kiss his mother and father. His father was of wraith blood like himself, and looked even more ghostlike next to his vibrant mother and Roxel. Fao was pale and dark-haired like their father. Like him._

 _"Shen protect you," said his father as he embraced him._

 _Karasu smiled. "He always does."_

* * *

It was cold. Probably because he was dead. He wanted to tell the cleanup crew to leave him be, but they wouldn't listen to a dead man even if they could hear him. He could sense them moving around Kurama's plant ever so gingerly; it was sated on his blood for now, but who knew for how long. They didn't even bother trying to extract his body from the plant, instead moving the entire thing to the pit and throwing it and him on top of all the other bodies.

* * *

 _The gossiping bar patron made an odd noise as Karasu's hand closed around his throat. "What do you mean, Amarua has been attacked?" demanded Karasu. He lessened his hold so the other man could talk, but he didn't believe the words that came babbling out of the drunkard's mouth. He stormed out of the bar and grabbed the arm of the first guard he found, prompting the guard's partner to draw his sword. "What is this nonsense I'm hearing about Amarua being destroyed?"_

 _The guard wrenched his arm away from Karasu's grasp, curling a lip in disgust at the dirty and disheveled traveler before him. "Exactly what you've heard, I imagine," he said. "The whole city's gone. The fanatics attacked because they didn't like them protecting the wraith clans, and our troops didn't arrive in time to help them. Everyone is dead."_

 _"Surely not everyone," said Karasu, desperation rising in his throat. "What about - have you heard anything about the Minoshi family? Surely - !" But the guards turned away and went back to their patrol, leaving him alone with his agony._

* * *

The plant shifted and squirmed, moving away from him to get at the banquet of blood the cleanup crew had so helpfully provided. It uncovered him in doing so, leaving the sun to beat down on him and all the other corpses that were the source of the stench that pervaded his senses. It should have been hot and bright and unbearable, but he was oh so cold.

* * *

 _Karasu fell to his knees, not believing the sight before him. Not a single building had been left standing; what hadn't been burned had been knocked to the ground. Snow drifted through the air, mingling with the ashes stirred up by the wind. Gone. Everyone and everything was gone. The family that had taken in a lonely orphaned wraith child, the city that had been his home, the little brothers who adored him despite not being of their blood. Everything of worth in his life had been wrenched from him and he could do nothing about it._

 _"I thought I felt a soul in pain."_

 _Karasu raised his head to the woman perched on one of the fallen stones from the temple, and she reached down to cup his chin in her hand. The tears in his eyes blurred her form, or at least he thought it was the tears. Even her touch was blurry. "Who...?"_

 _She smiled, now kneeling in the ashes with him and stroking his hair. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "Do you want vengeance?" she murmured. He closed his fist on the ground, feeling the snow and the ash against his skin. "Seek the limits of your strength and I will help you, child of Sitri." He felt he ought to open his eyes, to ask her why she spoke the name of that god while sitting in the ruins of another god's temple, but he didn't. Her words were snaking into his mind, and nothing else seemed important now. "Become strong, and you can make them know your pain ten times over."_

* * *

"Boy, you really fucked up, didn't you?"

There was still a giant leaf of the plant next to him, and upon it sat a young man who watched him with intense violet eyes. _Why are you here?_

"Because you're dying," he said matter-of-factly, as if that explained everything. Karasu would have rolled his eyes if he could. "Because I come to collect the souls of wraiths myself in His place, you know that."

 _But why me? Why not just leave me to rot._

He sighed. "I guess She really got to you, huh Su-su?" He touched his fingertips to Karasu's forehead, and the fog that had settled over his mind ever since that day in the ruins of the temple dissipated. Unfortunately, that fog had been the only thing keeping his pain at bay, and the agony of losing everything washed over him again, compounded by the memories of everything he had done since then.

 _No punishment can be worse than this,_ moaned Karasu. _I don't deserve even the chance to atone and see them again. Leave me here, and let them be with you in peace._

"Now look here, you." He sounded annoyed, though Karasu couldn't imagine why. "They're not dead, you know."

... _What_? He didn't understand. _They are. Everyone is dead._

"I think I would know, don't you?" He rested his chin on a hand. "I told you, I come for all the wraiths personally, and your father and Fao weren't among the dead. Nor are your mother or Roxel, according to Him. That's why I haven't taken you yet."

A ribbon of joy managed to pierce through everything else weighing down his soul, but sorrow still tailed it. _I'll accept whatever punishment you have in store for me, but please, don't let them ever find out all I've done_ , he begged. _Falling under Her influence is no excuse. I accept full responsibility for my actions._

Shen - for it was the god of his people that had come to talk to him, Karasu knew in his heart - smiled brightly. "Glad to hear it. Best remember that going forward; accepting responsibility for what you do is the best way to live a life." Before Karasu could question what he meant, Shen put a hand on Karasu's chest and disappeared. Karasu gasped for air while the bright, hot sunlight flooded his vision.

* * *

Karasu pulled himself up and out of the pit, sweating and bleeding and in so, so much pain. Every lungful of air hurt, but he could breathe. Every scrape of skin against the ground hurt, but he could feel. He crawled to the shade of the nearby trees and let himself fall, finding just enough energy to roll over onto his back. He could hear the birds singing in the branches and the crash of waves over the nearby shore. A breeze washed over him, cooling his skin. For the first time since that day in the ruins of his city, he was alive.


End file.
